How Do I Tell My Partner I Fantasize About My Kink During Sex?
Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Allure believes in everyone’s right to a healthy, safe, and joyful sex life, including access to info that helps them have one. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a new biweekly column wherein sex therapist Vanessa Marin answers your questions about sexuality. This week, she advises two readers wondering how to involve their partners in their fantasies.
Even though they’re a huge part of sexuality, so many people feel ashamed of or conflicted about their fantasies, the mental images or narratives that turn them on. That’s too bad: When we take ownership of our fantasies and consider how they make us feel, they can be a wonderful way of exploring ourselves, not to mention connecting with our partners. You don’t need to have the exact same sexual interests as the readers below to get inspiration from them — read on for my insight into how to change your relationship with your fantasies.
QUESTION: I watch a lot of “public humiliation” porn and often fantasize about having sex in public. I also have a partner who knows about my interest, but not the full extent of it. To get off from sex with him, I usually have to imagine myself in these humiliating public scenarios. Do I need to tell him just how much I’m thinking about this stuff if I’m satisfied with our sex life as it is? And should I be worried about how much I’m fantasizing? —In My Head, 27
VANESSA: I know how easy it is to get judgmental about our own fantasies, so whenever I talk about them, I always like to start by saying that fantasies are perfectly normal and healthy. Fantasies can be a fun way to explore, to create variety, to add stimulation, to challenge ourselves, and to play.
It’s also important to recognize that many people like keeping their fantasies as fantasy. Just because you get off to something in your mind doesn’t mean you want to or have to get off to it in your real life. It’s perfectly normal for you to fantasize about being ravished on the sidewalk but not even want to kiss your partner in public IRL.