Want to Have Better Sex? Stop Worrying About Orgasms
“Did you come?” Most of us have either uttered or heard these words postcoital. In the early days of my sexual adventures, there were many times I’d answer that question enthusiastically for my lovers, even if it wasn’t the truth.
I’d lie about having an orgasm because I wanted my partners to know that I’d had fun with them and felt pleasure, and I didn’t think they’d understand that if they knew I hadn’t come. I grew up with minimal sex education, so I thought that orgasm equaled pleasure — I thought that without orgasms, I was broken or incapable of having good sex. I’ve since learned how far from the truth this idea was.
When the anticipation of orgasm becomes the primary focus of sex, it’s hard to realize that your body is actually experiencing so much pleasure throughout the entire experience. For instance, that graze of your partner’s hand along the back of your knee? So erotic and powerful. However, you might not have even noticed it because you were so in your head about when you were both going to come.
That’s just one reason why it’s time to flip the narrative to something that centers the focus on the entirety of sex instead of just orgasms. Let’s explore the idea and the fact that everybody experiences pleasure in vastly different ways.
No Orgasm? No Problem
Some people don’t want to (or can’t) orgasm — and that’s perfectly OK. Your body is not broken and you can still have a fulfilling sex life filled with pleasure and sensuality. Many people have simply never had an orgasm from either masturbation or partner sex and still have fulfilling sex lives. If this sounds like you, it doesn’t mean your sex drive is null or that your clitoris or penis is broken.
There’s nothing shameful about the ways you experience sexual pleasure, though they probably look a little different than some of your partners. People who don’t have orgasms often go through so much stress from friends, doctors, and society chasing down answers about their body, when it’s really quite simple. You are a healthy sexual being and you can feel immense pleasure without an orgasm.